I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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