She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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