One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
In America we eat man semen.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
