Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
