I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
