You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
