i may or may not be watching the land before time
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.