you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila