i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
