I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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