I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
