Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
