Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
