I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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