WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
