Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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