i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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