My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
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