I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
