Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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