Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
