i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
