and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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