I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
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She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
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I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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