Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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