I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
