He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
