When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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