Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
