Swine flu. Run for my life!
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
this beer tastes like vomit already
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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