I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough