i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
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There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.