community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
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This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
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I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up