pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
