Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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