I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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