i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
