my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower