if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
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it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
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strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.