im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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