is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
