Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
