I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
