I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
