I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
