Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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