I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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