I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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