I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
