Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
