so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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