He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
