four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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