I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I pour the whiskey from now on
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
