It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
