No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You ate ashes out of my bong
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
