In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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